I must apologize to you. While I feel your presence every day, I ignore you. Maybe I’m just waiting for you to look different or even to make me feel different. Either way, I know we’ve had a rough go of it.
I think for a long time I was mad at you for stealing years from me. I was jealous you gave your gift to others instead of me. Selfishly, I felt I deserved all the years of my kids’ lives. I understand now, those years were simply not mine to claim. You have given me exactly what is meant to be mine.
Most of the time when I think about you I can’t help but wish you’d just hurry up. It’s like I’m the speed walker on a narrow path and you are the slow and steady pedestrian in front of me whose heels I keep stepping on. I so desperately want to get ahead on the path where the terrain is bound to be easier.
So I blow by you. But when I get ahead I discover you are right – it’s not any easier. It’s just a different type of hard terrain.
Many times, I convince myself I am right there with you, walking along side of you, and enjoying every gift you have saved for me. But then I look up and realize I’ve stopped walking. You have walked on without me.
You slipped by me so quietly, so undetected, I barely recognized you were gone.
I try to catch up and join you. I want to be present with you and enjoy your gifts once again. The terrain, however, continues to be even more difficult.
Is it just me or did you speed up? Now I feel like you are the speed walker and my heels are being stepped on.
When I asked you to slow down, you laughed at me. I guess I deserved that.
I know apologizing will not make you slow down. I’ve tried restraining you from moving on but we both know what an epic failure that was.
You are unmovable and consistent, I hear you say it all the time. I’m sorry I don’t always listen or believe you.
This time, I’m listening. Now, I believe you. I promise.
The last time we talked I remember you mentioning 5 years. I’ve thought a lot about the next 5 years since then.
Once again, you are right. The pace of the next 5 years will be fast and the terrain will go from rocky to smooth (and back to rocky) in an instant. I’m ready for it though. I’m ready to be present; to walk the hard paths with grit and determination then glide along the smooth paths with joy and gratitude.
I refuse to give up the treasures you’ve promised.
Time, you have given me an incredible 9 years. Thank you.
I will not take you for granted. I will not let you slip by me unnoticed.
And most importantly, I will not wish you away. I promise to be right here with you, even when it’s hard.
Even when I look ahead and see the beautiful horizon, I choose to trust you when you say: the beauty is right here – right now, keep your eyes on me.
I believe you. Let’s do this together.
Your sometimes ungrateful companion,